Messages Galore!

I always thought that I’d be devastated to leave the farm. When I first moved there I swore I’d never leave, I loved it so much. But when I drove through the gates for the last time I felt nothing at all. I suspect I may be blunting my emotions at the moment to cope with this huge transition, because I am attached to the Kudu and the last remaining Bontebok herd of two, so there must be something bubbling beneath the surface.

Days before I left, the baby Bontebok, who I’d named Sirius, was taken by a leopard. I know that I am grieving the loss of her, I was very attached to her and her very gentle, inquisitive energy, but I have no access to those emotions. It’s a good thing. It’s helping me in the now to be a bit numb. Part of why I’m on the road and living in a tent is to find a way to process an overwhelming amount of compounded grief. When I allow myself to think about my family who are no longer with me, or when the memories sneak up on me through songs or familiar smells, I have absolutely no container for those emotions that rise like a storm surge inside of me.

I know I could take anti-depressants to cope with these emotions, but taking medication for me is a huge stress, and my body doesn’t understand the concept. If she senses a pill of any kind she goes into fight or flight mode. I try to trick her sometimes, but if she gets wind of my sneaky plan to poison us she just decides to choke us to death. I’ve tried crushing the tabs but she can choke us on a microgranule. Superior defensive, survival skills yes, but not well thought out to its conclusion. When I fell ill with Covid-19 I had such a headache and decided to take a panado. I think my body was so man-down that she let that half a tab in, and it was like a miracle to me. The pain went away! Who knew? So, I’m a newly converted fan of chemical intervention, but my body is having none of it. In fact, she has banned me from drinking wine as well. My previous happy place. I feel as if all of my coping mechanisms have been taken away from me, so a camping roadtrip became my only viable option. The deal I brokered with my tantrum-throwing body was that she had to recover enough for us to be on the road, and so she did. Just in time too.

As I left Struisbaai, after a few days on the road, I was asking for guidance from the White Feathers because I was struggling a bit. It was hard to put my stuff in storage and float free and I don’t know why, but for the first week I felt like a complete loser for being this person with so much freedom and no responsibilities. I guess it’s because I’ve been conditioned to believe that success is a job and an income and a lovely home and stability. Obviously none of which I have right now. I decided along the way to take a detour through Mossel Bay, because many years before I’d had an opportunity to work in the refinery as a Chemist and I was curious to see what I’d missed out on. My negativity of course ramped up because it’s very pretty there. This negative dialogue started playing in my head in a loop which was driving me nuts and, to make matters worse, I found myself stuck in a hectic traffic jam, which was weird. It was midday in Mossel Bay. Why were all the cars in the town on this road and in front of me?

As I sat there I looked around and there, in deep industrial Mossel Bay, someone had put a chalkboard outside of their panelbeating workshop and written some words on, that I read because what else was there to do in this boring traffic jam. The paraphrased words were “There is no point in looking back with regrets. The past is gone. All you have is now. So enjoy today.” I’m pretty sure it said that. It was in Afrikaans and my understanding of the taal is not great. Maybe it said “Special offer for red car repairs”? It definitely broke the loop though, because I had to laugh at the Universe smacking me over the head to get the message across. Double blue tick. Received and read!

I decided to camp for a while in George at a municipal campsite which was high above the cliffs and had the most spectacular views of the ocean. I was there to spend time with a friend who was struggling, and just hover as support really. Within minutes of my arriving a van with the name of GypseyVanGo pulled in and I realised immediately that there was energetic work that was going to be done during this stay. I’d received a message from the Universe that I’d be meeting some Gypsey hippie type people for energy work but I had it in my head that I’d be meeting them in Knysna, at some or other hippie retreat. It never occurred to me that it would be at a municipal campsite in George. And work we did. It was intriguing what happened in the days that followed. But that story is for my next blog.